Essays

Drawing Tarot in the Chaos of a Move

Oh, hi there. It’s been a minute. My life has been chaotic lately, which is why this blog has been pretty quiet. One of the reasons for this is that I just moved again. I’ve been moving two to three times a year since I was 18 and you’d think I’d be used to it by now, but I’m not. I’ve managed to whittle my possessions down to just the essentials (plus a ton of clothes), but moving is still a big, time-consuming, exhausting task.

The last time I moved, it was to escape a bad living situation. It was a desperation-motivated move, a run from something rather than towards something. Unfortunately, like in so many places, it’s really hard to find decent affordable housing where I live. This latest move, however, was different. A move towards something. I moved in with my partner.

I wrote a post a few months back about having the desire to cultivate more spiritual practices in my day-to-day life. I ended up centring my writing practice for this purpose, something I was inspired to do by Natalie Goldberg’s Writing Down the Bones, which I may go into detail about in a different post. Aside from this, however, I haven’t been doing any other practices consistently. I wanted to change that and I also wanted to document my latest move while it was happening, so that’s how we got here. I decided to start reading tarot cards in the evenings in-between packing, hauling, and unpacking. I did simple readings, just drawing one or two cards at a time, from the Witches Tarot by Ellen Dugan and Mark Evans.

Below are my readings and reactions, entries I wrote while drawing tarot cards in the chaos of a move. I’m definitely a novice reader and rely heavily on the interpretations Ellen Dugan provides in the book that comes with the deck, quoted below. Maybe I wasn’t doing it properly, but that’s okay because I was just doing it for me. Some of the readings were rather vague while others were scary accurate. It was an interesting experiment, one I would certainly try again. If you’ve ever been curious about tarot readings or trying to divine deep spiritual meaning in the middle of moving, you may find this interesting.

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[Image: two cards side-by-side on a wrinkled brown sheet. One is the “Two of Swords,” showing a blindfolded woman in a gown crossing her arms over her chest with two swords in her hands. The other is the top of the tarot deck, with a full moon and two crescent moons on either side in pink-and-blue starry galaxy].

October 21, 2019 | Two of Swords

Initial impressions: Looks guarded, on the defensive, or ready to attack. Blindfolded. Cannot see what is coming. Serene, calm landscape. Defending serenity? Protector of the land? Confident pose and expression. Two fairies flying away. Protector of the innocent?

I asked about moving in with my partner, which is happening very soon, and the Canadian Federal election. I voted today and the results will be out when I wake up tomorrow. I will be moving in with my partner in two days as well. So, this is a very interesting card.

“The woman is depicted at twilight because she is at an in-between state. Her back is to the moon and to the water to illustrate that she has turned away from her emotions, or at least shut them down for a time… When this card turns up in a reading, it is a warning that you have blocked off your heart and emotions and are holding in your feelings. You are literally refusing to see what is right in front of you… Consider your options: boundaries are a positive thing, but do not shut yourself off from others” (Dugan).

I voted for who I wanted rather than strategically. I don’t really know how to interpret this card. Maybe my emotions are too shut down for me to understand it? I’m sitting in a room full of boxes right now with everything I own in piles. There’s a lot going on at work for me to keep track of. There’s an election happening. Things are stressful right now, so it makes sense that I’ve kind of shut down emotionally. I was really panicky about everything a few days ago because it was all too much, but I couldn’t sustain that energy. But it’s not all bad, it’s not all stress. I’m actually very excited to move. Sure, it’s a lot of work, but it’s a move I’m very much looking forward to. I’ve been sharing spaces with strangers for more than a year-and-a-half now and will be moving in with my partner. That’s really exciting. Stressful, yes, kind of a lot, but mostly a good thing. We’re going to build a home together and my heart is yearning for a home. But I’m going really fast, keeping super busy, and not stopping to process anything, so maybe that’s what this card is about. Who knows.

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[Image: two cards side-by-side on a wrinkled brown sheet. One is the “Eight of Cups,” a blue card with a woman walking away on a beach and eight silver goblets lined along the bottom. The other is the “King of Pentacles,” which pictures a king sitting on a throne holding a large gold plate with a pentacle on it].

October 22, 2019 | Eight of Cups and King of Pentacles

I drew two cards for this reading because I pulled one and another started coming with it, so I figured why not draw both?

Eight of Cups initial impressions: SO BLUE. Very blue. Walking away from something and towards something else. Adventure. Exciting.

King of Pentacles initial impressions: Hello, rich boy. Focused on a big gold pentacle plate circle. On a thrown. Concerned with something, preoccupied.

Eight of Cups: “She has chosen to abandon things that are no longer necessary or are detrimental… The young woman is moving on and moving forward… The card symbolizes the need to move on in your life. The need to move forward might be a physical relocation such as moving for a job or moving to a new home, or this may be an emotional shift… If you are physically moving, then go forward and enjoy the positive changes in your life” (Dugan).

King of Pentacles: “The King of Pentacles represents a man with dark hair and deep brown eyes… He is a generous and supportive personality, and a loving, loyal spouse… The lesson of the King of Pentacles is that your efforts have manifested into success. Prosperity will be drawn to you” (Dugan).

Wow. This is a very direct, on-point reading. I have been feeling anxious, stressed, and exhausted by this move but these cards have reminded me that it is a good thing, both the place I am moving into and the person I am moving in with. This reading has calmed me down a bit. This is a good thing, a right thing. This is a necessary next step.

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[Image: “Nine of Pentacles” card sitting next to a tarot deck on brown fabric at an angle. The card shows a woman in a brown dress standing outside with nine golden pentacle flowers on either side of her].

October 23, 2019 | Nine of Pentacles

“When the Nine of Pentacles blooms in your reading, it tells of a time of joy and abundance… In addition, this card represents sharing the magick and the secrets of the garden with others. You are being called upon to connect to the earth and to study its mysteries… It heralds a time of creative focus, confidence, and personal growth” (Dugan).

Well, we have moved in together. Half moved in, anyway. I have been awake since 5:20 this morning helping my partner get all of his stuff into our new place. I am super fucking exhausted. We will go to bed soon. I’m very happy to be here with my partner. I’m not sure what this reading means in relation to this, but I like the overall message.

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[Image: “The Fool” card shown upsidedown next to a tarot deck on brown fabric. The card shows a young boy standing on a cliff with a white dog, holding a staff, against a blue, cloudy sky].

October 24, 2019 | The Fool

Initial impressions: Reversed. Upside-down. What could that mean? Young man, a traveller. On a mountain. Off on an adventure. With a dog. Companion. Friend. Something new, a new adventure, but not alone on it.

“This card often materializes in a reading when the querent is trying something new and completely different… The Fool encourages us to dare, be more openminded, and enjoy the ride… The fool encourages you to be open to new prospects and ideas… Reversed: Irresponsibility, recklessness, dangerous and careless behaviour. A precarious situation. There is a need to be cautious and plan ahead” (Dugan).

I’m not sure if this card counts as reversed or not in this reading. I was going to draw it reversed, did not, but then flipped it after. Maybe I will take both meanings, then. I need to be open and adventurous, but also have a plan and watch that I don’t enter a precarious situation. I think that makes sense. There’s a lot in my life right now that requires quite a bit of planning, but I should also be enjoying these changes and some of the freedom that comes with them. I can’t afford to drop the ball on anything, but there’s also quite a bit that’s brand new and exciting, so maybe both readings do apply.

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[Image: from left-to-right, there is a tarot deck, the “Queen of Wands” card, and “The High Priest” card on red fabric. The “Queen of Wands” pictures a queen in a golden gown on a thrown holding a flowering staff and sunflowers. “The High Priest” pictures a priest sitting between two pillars, holding a staff, with two large skeleton keys in front of him].

October 26, 2019 | Queen of Wands and The High Priest

Queen of Wands initial impressions: Royal. Feline. Languishing. Golden. In charge. Flowers.

The High Priest initial impressions: Monk. Keys. Sun and moon. Staff. Pillars. Religious. Symbolism.

Queen of Wands: “When the Queen of Wands appears in a reading, brace yourself. This is where the fun begins… The message from the Queen of Wands is this: home, family, magick, and career—you can have it all. Just allow passion for life and your creative and spiritual energy to fill you up and lead the way” (Dugan).

Well, that’s nice. I finally moved all of my stuff into the new place, and while there is still a LOT of unpacking to do, I feel like I’m more than ready for “the fun”. I’m here, my partner and I are here together, and this chapter of my life has officially begun.

The High Priest: “When this card appears in a reading, it means that there are questions that need answering and advice to be sought. Classically, this card denotes a need for legal advice or counseling” (Dugan).

Hm. This is tricky. I hope I don’t need to seek legal advice for anything anytime soon. I feel like that would cancel out the fun promised by the Queen of Wands. This card can also indicate “furthering your education” (Dugan). Hm… Hm. Apparently, the Priest gives you the keys to “unlock” the answers to your questions yourself rather than the answers directly, as you are responsible for finding them with everything you’ve been taught. Well, okay, that’s good. If I have the keys, I should be able to figure it out for myself then.

I’m settling into my new place. It’s nice. I’m happy to be here. It’s not without its challenges, but they’re worthwhile challenges. This place feels good, feels right, feels like it could become home. I enjoyed drawing tarot cards during this process. It felt reassuring to stop and try to gain some insight in the middle of so much chaos. Reflecting in this way made me more aware of my mental and emotional states, reminded me to check in with the internal while my external surroundings swirled and changed all around me. I would like to make a practice of doing tarot readings, perhaps not every day but a few times a week, to help me stay in touch with myself.

Essays

The Cat is Here

 

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[Image: ginger tabby curled up on a rock outside, sleeping]. Photo by lisaleo
CW: mentions of death, various social and environmental crises, and apocalypse.

The cat is here.

The cat next door came for a visit and is over here now. The cat without the hat. I’m always nervous that the cat will fall when she comes over. Now she is looking down at the world through the balcony’s bars to the left of me. Now she is sticking her head between the bars. Now she is walking to the other side of the balcony. Now she is looking through the screen door into my apartment. Now she is sniffing stuff. Now she is looking at where she came from like she plans to go back. Now she goes back. She sits back, looks up, pounces, and lands perfectly on the eight-inch platform, and then her body disappears behind the barrier.

You can have all the worries in the world and then there’s just a cat that will come over and investigate your space. Everything can be so chaotic. Everything can feel so broken. Your adrenal system can be completely shot and your mind can be a dark cloud of fear. And then it can get quiet again, even though the problems and chaos are still all around you. It can get quiet for a few minutes, quiet enough for a cat to slip over and curiously sniff around.

Every single moment has the potential to be quiet enough for a cat.

In every moment, you can focus on the chaotic swirl in your head or the cat curiously sniffing around, pausing to take in all the details of the balcony you’ve never given much thought to. The cat is unaware, it would seem, of the housing crisis, the opioid crisis, the government crisis, the climate crisis… She is just here to check things out, get the lay of the land, and then leap back over to her own balcony⁠—seemingly unafraid of whether she will make the landing on an eight-inch platform nine stories in the air.

Perhaps this is why we love cats so much⁠: they’re nothing like us.

They show us what we aspire to be with our writing, our mindfulness practice, or our meditation workshops. They do it effortlessly. They are simultaneously detached from and deeply involved with the world. Form is emptiness and emptiness is form. Cats are enlightened but they don’t really give a fuck.

The cat left fifteen minutes ago and here I am, still writing about her. She isn’t writing or thinking about me. She isn’t here, she’s over there, in a new moment, exploring different surroundings. She came, caught my attention, and then left me to dwell on her without looking back⁠—a little Buddha, a god, a teacher. They’re all around us in every moment, these Buddhas, these gods, these teachers. Whether or not we tune into them is up to us. I could have ignored the cat and kept on writing like she wasn’t here. I could also choose to ignore the sounds of cars driving by, the playfulness of the rain-filled air, the clink of dishes being moved around in my neighbour’s apartment, the light on the leaves of the trees, the white hairs on my knee, the damp plant smell, the machine-beast noise of a transport truck revving up the street, the itch on my neck, the quiet birdsong underneath everything, the beeping of a vehicle backing up, the dishes again, the quiet shuffle of leaves on a not-so-windy day, the utterly shocking silence of hundreds of humans piled on top of each other at this intersection of space, the sound of my neighbours opening their screen door, someone on the sidewalk saying good morning, or the squeaky wheels of a car that hits a bump and slams. I could choose to ignore all of this or I could choose to engage with it.

“Peaceful, isn’t it?” I heard my neighbour say to his wife when I first came out onto the balcony to write. Isn’t it? This is peace. All of this noise and bustling and activity.

Yes, this is peace, peace in the heart of a city.

An airplane flies overhead and a bird does too. The plane goes straight while the bird flies in circles. Have the birds ever laughed at how we copied them? Have the birds ever laughed?

A motorcycle chugs by and is gone. Most of these sounds last for just a few seconds. Can you feel it? No one is yelling at anyone, that I can hear, and some people may still be sleeping. There is so much going on and there are so many of us and no one is fighting right now. This is peace.

We’re nearing the apocalypse and the cats couldn’t care less.

Why should they? What can they do? Sniff around, hunt for mice, or perhaps jump nine stories in the air. What else?

You have to live in this world. You can try your best to fix it, to do something to make a difference, but the hardest thing about life is just finding a way to live it, to be with the chaos and the peace and the systems and their inevitable collapse and the change and the fear and the pain and the trauma. The hardest thing is to figure out how to live in a world that is constantly ending. You can’t ever get comfortable with that, only curious. You may or may not ever make a substantial difference. Regardless, the world you were born into will not be the one you die in.

The cat isn’t here anymore. I am. That will change. In fact, it already has, as I sit here editing this piece several days later in an entirely new moment.

Essays

The Spirit Slice

This post may not be for you. That’s okay. You don’t need to read it or like it or agree with me. Oftentimes, conversations about spirituality can feel divisive or cause people to roll their eyes. I suppose it is a contentious thing, and I understand why, though I think it’s a shame so many of us feel the need to keep quiet about our beliefs. Keeping quiet can feel like being hidden and be rather isolating, so I’ve decided to open up about this aspect of my life and see how that goes. If you’re going to stick around, I challenge you to keep an open mind but respect that we may not see eye to eye.

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[Image: wooden outdoor steps leading up, covered in dry leaves and a yellow evening light, with some trees and a light blue sky at the top].

 

In an increasingly secular world, I have found that spirituality is an often neglected slice of the pie. It’s usually included as a dimension that is essential to one’s overall health, and yet it’s a dimension we are often not taught to nurture.

I’ve struggled with maintaining spiritual health and believe this affects all the other dimensions of my health as well, such as the mental, physical, emotional, social, and environmental ones. Good spiritual health can be the key to maintaining all of the others because it has the potential to guide you in this. I think it’s pretty important but don’t feel like my culture taught me exactly how to nurture it because of how secular this culture is. However, I have had a few opportunities throughout my life to learn more about engaging with the spiritual.

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[Image: statue of a monk in robes, looking off to the left, with dark eyes]. Photo by jeltovski.

 

I grew up in a Buddhist home and was introduced to meditation, mindfulness, and the teachings from a young age. Though I do not identify as a Buddhist at this time, there are a lot of things I love about its approach to life and the world. Buddhism isn’t a religion and I’m not sure it can properly be described as a “spiritual” practice, but it does involve some spiritual elements and tools. I’m thankful that I was given these tools when I was growing up so that they don’t feel so foreign to me as I work on developing them now.

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[Unitarian flaming chalice with a circle of rainbow stones around it]. Image from the Unitarian Universalist Church of Birmingham.

 

I was in a Unitarian youth group when I was a teenager and I loved the sense of community and social responsibility I found there. My youth group leader was also a Pagan, and often brought a mix of Unitarianism and Paganism to the activities we did together. I liked that Unitarians were spiritual people invested in social issues, and no strangers to activism, as so often spiritual communities seem to lack this.

Two other aspects of these Buddhist and Unitarian communities I have appreciated are that they are okay with you holding other beliefs. You are allowed to be a Pagan and a Unitarian, or a Pagan and a Buddhist, or a Unitarian Pagan Buddhist. That’s been my impression, anyway.

I’ve been fortunate to have had these opportunities over the years. I consider myself lucky because outside of these little pockets, spirituality in a colonial 21st-century Canadian context has been difficult to find.

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[Image: metal pendant with a tree and pentacle carved into it]. Photo by Dryad Design.

 

I’m trying to carve something of a spiritual path for myself. I’m trying to piece together what I like, what I don’t, and what I’ve learned from my journey so far to form a non-institutionalized “religion” of sorts that makes sense to me. I’m trying to be mindful of appropriation, something I think many new age spiritualists are guilty of. I’m also not sure I would describe myself as “new age” as most of what I’m interested in—Buddhism and Paganism in particular—are actually pretty old.

I’m starting small and I’m going slow. I’ve overloaded myself with research and activities in the past, and then felt overwhelmed by the whole endeavour and given up, thinking I just don’t have the time for a rich spiritual life. Right now I’m reading a book (feel free to laugh at the title) called, “Everyday Witchcraft: Making Time for Spirit in a Too-Busy World” by Deborah Blake. I’ve started with a morning ritual where I greet the day, say thank you, ask for what I need, protection for those I love, and for the world to get better. I like this because it is short and simple and it sets the tone for the rest of my day. Sometimes, I also light a candle and draw a tarot card. I got off to a rough start yesterday and realized that I’d forgotten to do this ritual, so I sat down and did it, which allowed me to reset myself and restart the day. There’s power in these kinds of things, in ritual—setting intentions, being quiet for a few moments, acknowledging you’re a part of the world, and then repeating the process. There is a quiet and subtle power in such things that I think is highly unrated in the modern Eurocentric context.

I’m also thinking about looking into the local chapter of the Unitarian Church in my town by attending a Sunday service. I can scope it out and see if I feel like diving back into this community.

“Making Time for Spirit in a Too-Busy World” is something many of us, myself included, neglect to do. It’s easy to dismiss spiritual work as trivial, silly, or unimportant when the mainstream cultural narrative tells us that it doesn’t matter. But so many cultures throughout history and the modern world tell us otherwise. People have always believed in things, told stories about existence, performed rituals, and participated in spiritual communities. I’m not here to argue that this matters because I know, deep down, that it matters to me. I’m just here to remind myself, and perhaps you, if you’re listening, to make time for what matters. Figure out what matters to you and allow yourself to let it matter without judgement, dismissal, denial, or shame.

Be a Unitarian Pagan Buddhist, if that’s what makes sense to you. Or be a witch. Or be something else. Or don’t bother with any labels.

Research and explore. Be mindful and respectful. Take an interest but don’t take what isn’t yours.

Figure out what you need. You likely know what that is even if it takes time to sort out the details.