Photo of Sage, a white non-binary person with short red hair, smiling slightly and wearing a blue baseball cap, jean jacket, and necklace with a quartz crystal. There is a bi pride flag hanging on the wall behind them.

I am Queer4Queer.

I’m a queer person. I identify as queer. If you want to get technical about it, I’m bisexual. I am attracted to people of all genders.

At this point in my life, I am prioritizing sexual and romantic connections with women and non-binary people.

Though I am attracted to them, I have complicated feelings about dating men. There have been periods in my life where I’ve stopped dating men entirely in order to explore my queerness, prioritize relationships with non-men, and not feel like such a “bad” queer for consorting with them (though I recognize this last one comes from internalized biphobia).

I often go back and forth on whether or not I should keep dating men. Do I actually want to? Am I really attracted to them? I’m pretty sure that I am, but something as simple as going on a dating app causes me to question my sexuality. As I swipe through prospective male matches, I wonder, am I even attracted to men? I frequently look at their photos with disinterest, jokingly thinking to myself, all of these men are just so . . . men. I don’t think that’s what I mean though. I think what I mean is: all of these men are just so straight.

I think that might be the issue. Most of the time, I’m not attracted to your typical cishet dude. I don’t often find myself drawn to straight women either. I’m a queer person. I resonate with queerness. I’m attracted to queer energy.

What I’ve been coming to realize over the past few years is that I have no interest in pursuing sexual or romantic connections with people who aren’t a part of the LGBTQ2S+ community. I’m attracted to people of all genders, yes, but the majority of the people I find myself attracted to are some flavour of queer—whether they be lesbians, enbies, bi dudes, etcetera. I’m Queer4Queer. That’s it. That’s my sexual orientation.

It’s not that I’m not attracted to men at all, it’s that the vast majority of cishet guys just don’t do it for me.

I also just want to be with other queer people, other people who carry queer energy and experiences. In general, I’ve had a better time dating queer folks than I have dating straight cis guys. I won’t list all of the reasons why in this piece, but suffice it to say that queer dating has felt more comfortable, intimate, and safe for me.

Is this it then? Has the ever-questioning bisexual finally figured out their sexuality? Probably not, but I feel like I’m closer to understanding it now than I’ve ever been.

Note: I’m using “queer” in this piece as an umbrella term for members of the LGBTQ2S+ community. I recognize that not everyone vibes with or uses this word, and that’s totally fine. I wouldn’t refer to a specific member of the community as queer unless they identified that way. However, I believe in all of the reclamation work that’s gone into it and see it as an acceptable umbrella. It’s also a useful shorthand to use when referring to the community rather than awkwardly writing out LGBTQ2S+ each time.

Published by Sage Pantony

Sage Pantony is a writer, poet, and zinester. They write about gender, sexuality, mental health, trauma, creativity, and the best ways to cook eggs. They are the author of several zines, including a trilogy about transitioning as a non-binary person. Sage’s work has appeared in publications such as Coven Poetry, Idle Ink, and The Varsity. They currently reside in Tiohtià:ke/Montréal with their pet dinosaur, Peter.

7 thoughts on “Queer4Queer

  1. This is so how I feel. I love queer energy. Most of my friends are queer. I live in a totally queer mentality.
    And when I encounter something else, it is so jarring.
    We so should meet someday!


  2. This is so how I feel. I love queer energy. Most of my friends are queer. I live in a totally queer mentality.
    And when I encounter something else, it is so jarring.
    We so should meet someday!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes! And I totally get that. When you’re deeply immersed in queer world, it can be jarring to poke your head out of it and be reminded that most of the world is very different from queer world.


  3. First, think about you just typed: cishet guys. Crush on them all you want, most of them don’t want to date queer people, at least have serious relationships. (Think about the bi stereotypes they tend to fantasize about…)

    There’s no problem if you want to date someone else who’s queer. It’s totally fine if you prefer to want to date queer women over anyone else. This is someone (or someones, if you’re polyamorous) you plan to spend a great deal of your life with, so it makes sense you want to make sure you’re comfortable with who you want to date.

    Changing from fortnightly shots to a daily gel finally helps keep my sexuality monotonous and not all over the place. One week I’m asexual, one week I think I might be into guys, another week my taste in women changes. Now it’s steady, and while I still find some guys attractive, I don’t want to be in a relationship with another guy, because, well, I don’t like the junk in the trunk they got. And that’s before the number of times I attracted chasers.

    You’re young, take your time. Nothing wrong with being single. I’ve been single for so long now, that if a girl wants to date me, our time together better be worth way more than the freedoms I have being single.


    1. My piece also doesn’t even touch on the misgendering that often comes from cishet guys who are interested in me. Some might be down to date me, but only if they can see me/refer to me as a girl. Honestly, I wish they weren’t interested, but I do get approached by some in ways that can feel fetishizing, aggressive, etc.

      Yeah, hormones can have such an impact! It’s nice that they have balanced out for you. When I was on them, I didn’t experience any shifts in who I was attracted to, just a pretty overwhelming sex drive lol.

      I’m enjoying being single for now, there’s definitely perks, but broaching thirty and feeling ready to find a more long-term partner soon. It’ll happen when it happens, I suppose!


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